Recognising and setting boundaries and how they improved my relationships

For a long time, I believed that saying “no”, setting boundaries, and standing up for my needs was selfish or unkind. I’m still learning, but I’m slowly getting better at it.

While I am very happy to help when someone asks for my help or advice, I realised it takes time and energy from me. And sometimes I felt taken advantage of.

I was afraid that my “no” might hurt someone’s feelings. Because it can. And I did not want to disappoint people. But at some point it started to feel wrong giving away hours of my expertise for free.
Also with friends.

I used to rearrange my life around my previous partner’s desires. I continued to travel, even though my heart longed for stability and community. Or I learned to see the upsides of not having children.

Whenever my wishes weren’t respected, I wondered if I was simply too demanding, too sensitive, or too strict. I reminded myself that compromise is part of every relationship. But underneath, quiet resentment kept growing.

The day my previous partner admitted he had cheated on me again, months earlier, was a wake-up call. The moment felt like a punch in my stomach. I initially didn’t feel anger. I had suppressed it for too long, consciously keeping it inside so as not to trigger another psychosis in him. Instead, I just broke down and cried uncontrollably.

From that moment on, something shifted. Unconsciously, I started to build a wall between us. And for the first time in years, I started to focus on myself.

For over four years, I had done almost everything for him.
Every morning at 10 AM, I brought him coffee in bed. By then I had already been up for hours, done my morning routine and started working. I cooked for us and made sure our bills were paid. He didn’t work. I’m not sure what he did all day.

I genuinely enjoy caring for others, so I didn’t mind at first. I loved him deeply and wanted to give him space to heal from his burnout and psychosis.

But the little things began to eat at me. Like him forgetting, over and over again, to put the scissors back where they belonged. Or ignoring my wish to keep the kitchen organised, even though I was the one cooking. He’d flash his big, charismatic smile and say, “Sorry, I’ll remember next time.” But three years passed, and “next time” never came.

Those daily irritations weren’t just minor annoyances. They were small signals that my needs weren’t being respected. And I ignored my anger, the very signal that my boundaries were being crossed.

Why Boundaries Deepen Relationships

Boundaries are one of the most loving things you can do. For yourself and others.

Learning to set boundaries has changed my relationships in such a positive way. Before, I often did things just to keep the peace or to please others, but underneath, resentment would quietly build. And resentment silently kills connection. That’s why my partner and I now have a weekly check-in. It helps us stay open with each other and address little things to prevent that silent build-up.

Now, when I voice my needs and wishes clearly, I show up with genuine joy and generosity. I give because I choose to, not because I feel obligated.

Boundaries aren’t walls to shut people out. They are personal guidelines for healthy connection.
An act of self-love and respect.

And here’s the truth that changed my life:
The people who truly value you will not only respect your boundaries, they will also admire you for having them.
The ones who get angry? They were simply benefiting from you having none.

How to start setting Boundaries (even if it feels awkward)

What I Wish I Knew Earlier

• Boundaries can hurt people’s feelings, but they prevent the slow poison of resentment.
• You are not responsible for managing other people’s emotions about your boundaries.
• Most people actually appreciate knowing what works and what doesn’t for you rather than guess or accidentally cross your limits.
• The people who get upset at your boundaries are often the ones who benefitted from you not having any. It tells you something important about that connection.
• Saying “no” to someone else is saying “yes” to yourself.
• My fear of hurting others was hurting me.

Sentences I wish I knew how to say earlier in my life

“I’ve noticed that after we spend time with my friends, you often point out their negative qualities. Everyone has flaws, including us. I enjoy my friends and don’t want to see my friends through your lens. It’s making me hesitant to invite them over. If you have a serious concern about someone, we can discuss that separately. But going forward, I’m not going to engage in conversations that focus on their flaws.”

“I’m so excited you’re visiting! Just so you know, I usually need about an hour in the morning for myself to fill my cups.”

“I’m going to take a recharge break for about an hour. Feel free to relax, explore the neighbourhood, or I have books if you want to chill here. Want to play a board game after?”

Some people want to talk about tips and how I started my business every time we meet.
“I totally understand the curiosity, but this is actually what I do professionally. I’m happy to work with you if you’re interested, but let’s keep our friend time about other stuff.”

“I’ll think about it and let you know later.” (That way you can listen to your inner voice and see what feels right for you.)

“That doesn’t work for me.” (Without explanation or justification.)

This makes for healthier relationships in the long term.